On August 20th 2016, my husband and I attended my cousin’s black tie wedding on Long Island. In anticipation of the occasion, I had to decide what to wear. I wasn’t very excited about wearing one of the three dresses I already owned and the idea of shopping for something new felt both expensive and daunting.
First, I reconsidered the three dresses I had and tried them all on to see how they fit and felt. The first was a purple one purchased prior to 2008, which I know because my husband has a photo of me in it on his phone from a wedding we attended together when we were first dating (sweet right?) I still really like it, but it seemed a bit casual for this event. The second dress is a lovely shade of Emerald Green that I purchased back in 2010 to wear to another wedding. The third is actually a hand-me down from my Mom, who still feels the need to buy a new dress for every occasion. It’s black and tight fitting with a little bit of gold lace at the top. The third is probably the least “me,” not surprising, considering it was a hand-me down, but pretty flattering on.
Regardless of this preexisting supply of 3 perfectly good dresses, I felt the temptation to shop around and get something new. Though I felt the green dress could work, I wasn’t excited to wear it. I’m not particularly “girly” but I do love the opportunity to get dressed up in something fun. Occasionally, I even find dress shopping to be a fun opportunity to explore new styles and colors. I remember the days of going to the mall with a good friend back in high school and trying on prom dresses just for the thrill of it. Nowadays however, the fun of dress shopping has been reduced by the high bar I set for something to be worthy of that credit card swipe. To buy a new dress, it must be deemed “closet worthy.” If I’m going to buy it, it should be wearable for multiple occasions – whether I had them on the calendar or not – and be classic enough to wear again down the road. If I’m going to add it to my collection, it needs to be nicer that what I already have and unique enough to add some variety to the collection. In addition to these criteria, I expect a good price.
When discussing what to wear, my Mom got very excited about using Rent the Runway https://www.renttherunway.com/ . If you are not familiar with the program, this is an online business where you can rent a dress. All cleaning is handled by the company and they ship you a dress in two sizes for a designated period of time. They recommend having the dress arrive 1-2 days prior to the event to allow for exchanges, but I’m not sure if there are extra charges for more exchanges. They also allow for a second style to be ordered at the same time for a reduced rate. In theory, this approach fits well with my ethic of responsible consumerism, and offers a solution to buying and storing a dress that will just be stashed in the back of the closet until another occasion may or may not come up.
Unless one is unfettered enough to just buy a dress for one occasion and justify the expense and the purchase because the occasion is special enough, purchasing special occasion wear comes with a gamble that the dress will be worn again in the future. Will I be the same size? Will the occasion be a similar dress code? Season? Will anyone notice if I re-wear a dress? I haven’t encountered this last one too much in California, but back on the East Coast, there was a certain stigma against the latter – an obnoxious philosophy that one can’t be seen in the same dress twice by the same group of people. I loved the concept of Rent the Runway so both to humor my mom, and also to see if this “shared economy” solution would work for me, I visited their website.
The first disincentive to this option was the price. The rental packages for a weekend rental started at $70.00. Given that I would consider spending up to about $150.00 on a dress that I loved, and would likely wear again, this didn’t seem too worthwhile.
The second disincentive is the lack of opportunity to try it on before the event. Essentially, it’s a role of the dice for $70.00. Though not applicable to me because I don’t usually need to get things altered, my Aunt mentioned that it never works for her because she is short and the dresses generally run to long.
Though I loved the concept, I decided Rent the Runway wasn’t for me. The price/uncertainty balance wasn’t right. Incidentally, my mom didn’t wind up using Rent the Runway either and wore something she already had – to an East Coast wedding – Gasp, I’m surprised they let her in!
I shopped around a bit but didn’t see anything too exciting so I considered a third option, to see about borrowing a dress. This idea brought me back to the good old days of college, where trying on and borrowing each other’s clothes went without saying. But as an adult, I felt the normalcy of that has decreased. It’s a lot more complicated to drive across town to raid a friend’s closet than walk down the hall. Also, have we gotten more particular about sharing as we have aged?
I thought it was worth a try and drafted a hypothetical posting for Facebook.
Using social media to create a lending society….
“Hi, Does anyone who thinks they are roughly my size have a black tie appropriate dress I could borrow for a wedding this August? I could also buy something or “Rent the Runway” just thought about trying a lending approach to be more sustainable. If you are like me, you might have a few previously worn dresses that are hanging around waiting for the next potential occasion. I’m offering you a chance to put that item to use. Happy to pay for any cleaning needed.”
Though I really love the idea of using social media to create a “lending society” I felt too self-conscious about the posting. Instead, I asked a trusted friend who is in the ball park of my size, and she was more than generous about the loan. She texted me a few pictures and I went over to investigate more. She had at least 10 dresses and even though our size might be similar, she had had a few altered or shortened, and they really didn’t do me any favors. There was one that was really beautiful, but would require a firm tug to close and I really didn’t want to take any risks with her new dress. It was worth a shot, but it didn’t work out. Anxiety about possibly returning something damaged, or possibly taking advantage of a friend’s generosity overrode the sharing/sustainability angle.
In the end, I was discussing this with my mom and she reminded me of one of her old dresses that I could borrow. The intuitive feeling – of “Yes, this is it!” struck and I put my search to rest. Since she lives so far away, I couldn’t try the dress on in advance so I brought my own green dress on the plane as a back-up. Luckily, her dress fit great and was perfect for the occasion. I suppose there is more comfort in borrowing something from your mom than a friend, and in this case a better fit too!
There are a few lessons to be learned from all this. First, there is something subconsciously better about owning a new dress rather than renting one unless there is a great price incentive to do so. Knowing myself, I only buy things that I love and would want to wear again, so if I rented something that I loved and had to give it back it would be disappointing. Second, the particularities of size and taste make borrowing a bit difficult, and there is a worry about ruining and item and therefore putting a ding on the friendship as well. Ideally I’d like to get around this and practice lending and borrowing more, but it takes a little bit to get around some of the perceived obstacles and anxieties surrounding this. Finally, after taking stock of my collection, I realized I’ve managed pretty well on only a few dresses. I take well enough care of them, so that if I were to find something I really liked, I should just buy it and plan to hold it and USE IT for the long term.
To my readers, I’d love to hear about what you do about special occasion wear. How many wedding appropriate dresses do you currently have in your closet? How do you decide when to buy something new, rent or borrow? How quickly do give away or donate your used dresses? As always, thanks for reading and sharing.
Originally written, July 18, 2016 – edited for past tense December 27, 2016
Intentional Abundance 